Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

My husband is a philanderer. I know worse things can happen in a person's life but my share of sorrows is getting harder to bear. I am caught in the crossroad of whether to keep on loving him in spite of his "extracurricular" activities or to move on without him and find someone who will love me enough to be faithful and true.

I have been choosing the first option for a couple of years now precisely because I believe in the permanence of marriage. For better or for worse is what I promised to him and to God. I think I can live with this for the sake of my children. However, every time I let him have his way with me, I feel like he is sucking up whatever is left of my self-esteem and self-respect. At least, I am not sinning because he is still my husband anyway.

I would be lying if I say that I have never thought of the other option - to be free from him and find my real knight-in-shining-armor. And yet, because of all the hurts and pain I've experienced, I feel so paranoid and skeptical about finding a good, honest man. Well, maybe there are some left but I would imagine them to be old, bald and boring. At this point in my life, I want someone with passion, someone who can knock me off my feet and fall head over heels for him. While compatibility is very important, I believe that physical attraction plays a crucial role as well. I want someone to cuddle, to laugh with, to talk and share anything from the smallest nonsense to the big highlights of my day. I wish there is someone who can make me smile and laugh again. I wish there is someone who will really love me and will not just want to have sex with me. Is there such a man? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But I am not going to spend the rest of my life looking for that person. I can be happy as I am now - with or without a man. I know God is enough for me but still I find myself asking Him for a more tangible manifestation of His love for me. Will I find him? Will he find me? Only time can tell.